Heightened Fear

My legs tremble as I hear an exasperated sigh from my sister holding the ladder beneath me. My hands quiver as I make an attempt to reach above and pull myself onto the fourth step.

“Just GO UP the god damned ladder, Rebecca!” screams my sister. “It’s freezing out and you’ve been on the third step for ten minutes.”

“SHUT UP! I’m freaking out, okay?! Just let me get my bearings here,” I say back.

I feel every muscle engage in my body as I pull my weight up onto the fourth step. My heart beats faster as I hug the one thing that is keeping my body from flailing to the ground. The steel cools my warm face as I try to catch my breath between heart palpitations.

“I will freakin’ catch you if you fall, okay!?” My sister urges.

“More like I will break your face when I squash you,” I reply.

Every inch of my skin starts to tingle and crawl with uncertainty. I reach above one more time to crawl onto the fifth step, but I can’t do it. Tears well up in my eyes as I place my left foot back down and I begin to get frustrated with myself.

“Why can’t I do this?” I mutter to myself.

“WHAT?” my sister screams back.

“I’m NOT talking to you,” I yell.

My sister’s impatience agitates me. I’m in a frenzy. I feel stuck. My body is in lock down. My joints feel seized as if I’m the TinMan from the Wizard of Oz. I can’t move a muscle.

“I can’t do this,” I say. “I’m coming down – move.”

“As if,” replies my sister. “Get up on that roof or I’m going to chase you up the ladder.”

As she goes to put her foot on the first step, I realize she’s serious and is not about to let me get off. With a deep breath, I pull myself onto the fifth step with only two more to go. My whole body is tense.

“One more step, and you’re up,” says my sister.

“I KNOW,” I say. “Stop effing talking to me and let me do this!!”

I close my eyes and breathe deeply. I quickly take the last step and finally pull myself up onto the snow-covered roof. On all fours, I slide my body up into the middle of the roof and take a glance at the picturesque river that runs just below my home in Prince Edward Island.  Shivers run down my spine as I gaze below. The scenic view looks as if Claude Monet painted it himself.

My sister makes her way up the ladder flawlessly to join me.

“Look at the view,” I say.

“I know,” she replies. “I told you it’s beautiful from here.”

“We should come up here more often,” I say. “I mean, getting up the ladder wasn’t THAT bad. It just takes me a couple of minutes…”

My sister looks at me with a smirk and then looks away to the river.